


Fireflies

by argonautic



Series: Works that didn't turn out like I thought [1]
Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Chapters are a thing and I'm bad at it, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:09:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23715706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/argonautic/pseuds/argonautic
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/James May
Series: Works that didn't turn out like I thought [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1708075
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

It's a Friday night, one of those summery nights at the beginning of June: warm air, clear starry sky, and possibly fireflies, if only they weren't in London.

They've spent the night together at the pub, like they've already done on Tuesday. On Wednesday, when Sarah wasn't at home, Jeremy has brought curry and James has taken out a few bottles from his collection, that have been properly drained by midnight.

The night before they've done something similar at Jeremy's place, and both times they've ended up asleep on the couch: James first, leaning on his shoulder, with Jeremy worried to wake him up because of his heart beating furiously, trying to keep it under control with long, deep breaths that also worked to send to sleep him as well.

It's going on from last Monday - well, to be precise it wasn't the two of them alone, on Monday night: they were all together at some sort of farewell party, after having come out of the attorneys' studio finally free from any professional obligation, having ended their pending commitments and liquidated all the companies they had together.

No plans for the future - even better, the plan of never embark on whatever project the three of them together. Nor with Andy. Never again, they've promised – and as soon as they had, James side-glanced Jeremy, and Jeremy thought, _not us,_ hoping that James could have read his mind.

According to Jeremy's plan, he and James were now having all the time in the world for each other. No more subtle hints or double-meaning texts, no knowing glances and unspoken demands, at least between the two of them: for the rest, Jeremy didn’t feel the need for everyone else to know, and was already foreseeing the guilty pleasure of knowing that nobody would still suspect anything, the next time he would have mentioned James in one of his pieces.

Jeremy was happy, incredulously happy, of how smoothly everything was going; they haven't even needed to talk about it, he just popped up in front of James's door on Tuesday night and asked him out: James just shouted "It's Jezza, we're going to the pub, have a good night" towards the living room and got out.

It’s all about booze and bickering the whole time, as it used to be, but now when the conversation moves to – strictly non-professional – plans for the future, James smiles at Jeremy, even blushes sometimes, and sometimes he looks straight in Jeremy’s eyes, instead than looking somewhere else and dismissing the chance as he was used to do.

It's a short walk from James's usual pub to his house, but they’ve chose a longer path this time, to enjoy the lovely night and – Jeremy assumes – their mutual company too.

They walk next to each other, close enough for their arms to continuously brush against each other, for Jeremy's bracelets to rub against James's skin, and James isn’t doing anything to avoid it, to avoid him, to avoid their closeness. Jeremy is so content he doesn’t get bored at James’s detailed report about the last motorbike he’s dismantled to bits and put together again, and the sparks of delight and satisfaction in James’s eyes make up for the missing fireflies.

Once in front of James’s door their conversation stops, and Jeremy feels the time run away; it’s going to be Saturday in a few minutes, he’s moving to the Cotswold for the weekend, and he’s not sure he can wait until next Monday to purse his goal – the first of many, at least, the one he feels so urgent, the sign that everything will be fine from now on.

"Are you sure you're fit to drive?", James asks, probably worried by Jeremy’s distracted look of the last few seconds, and Jeremy retorts:

"Sod off James, I'm not that drunk..."

"Sure? Prove it", James challenges him, and Jeremy reads it as the sign James wants him to prove something else - finally.

Jeremy lets out a knowing smirk, then places his hand on James's hip and takes the half a step between them. He sees James turning his head down to focus on his hand, then up again to stare at him, straight in the eyes. Jeremy is not sure that that's the kind of look he was expecting from James, but as James parts his lips, he dismisses it as a sign of James's nervousness only, and unequivocally leans in, head slightly tilted, aiming to James's mouth.

He shivers in anticipation when he sees James closing his eyes, his whole body trembling at the thought of finally be allowed to kiss James as he’s long wanted to, only to stop abruptly when he processes James's hushed words, muttered just in time,

"Don't. Please Jeremy don't ",

As James turns his head and hides behind a curtain of grey locks.

Jeremy freezes, both inside and outside: the ice inside him shatters right after, painfully, and lets his words come out:

"Really James? I thought it's what you wanted", he manages to say, still leant in, too close to James to try and claim he wasn't going to kiss him.

"It... it is. But. There's Sarah. I can't do this, can't do this to her. I'm sorry", James snivels - he's probably saying it in his standard, low and slightly nasal voice, but once he understands the meaning of it, Jeremy decides it's a pointless, inopportune whine, so James is snivelling, to Jeremy's perception. And therefore it's rage, more than frustration, what is driving Jeremy's mind now:

"Bloody Nora James, why the hell have you dragged me up to here then?"

"Because I like this, I thought I could do this. But I can't, I'm afraid Jeremy. Please believe me I am."

Jeremy used to believe him, he has always put his trust in James since he'd first auditioned him for the show, but this sounds way too illogical even for James’s sodding psychotic mindset; in an extreme attempt to save it all, Jeremy gathers all his patience, and offers:

"If it's a matter of time... I mean, I can wait... if you think you could..."

But James shakes his head:

"No, I don't think so... God it's years we've been together Jeremy, how can I tell her... I really don’t know now, Jeremy", scrubbing his face to hide from Jeremy, unnecessarily since Jeremy is already looking somewhere else, down the road, at the neighbour’s mailbox, anywhere but at James. Yet he retorts:

"It's years I'm trying to get to this point, also. For the records. But it's fine James. It's ok, I got it"

It comes out harshly, as if it wasn’t the plain declaration of his long-time infatuation – and it’s okay all the same, Jeremy decides, as James doesn’t seem impressed by the content of Jeremy’s statement and replies, almost annoyed:

"Jeremy. Please. Try to understand"

No, he doesn’t. He just opts for using all his patience, again, to come up with a suitable platitude – which is still better than pursue the will of punching James in the face. He probably wouldn’t be able to, but he doesn’t want to try himself. So he just spouts off:

"Oh I do James. It's no problem. Really, James, it's ok. I understand your reasons, I'm just a bit... er, let's say confused, but it's ok."

"It's not that I'm not wanting to, Jeremy... I know what you were expecting, and well, it’s not like I’ve never thought about it.... But... there's her. I'm sorry."

He’s not actually paying attention at James’s words, he just waits for him to shut up so to excuse himself as soon as possible, with a standard, wide-range expression of agreement he really doesn’t believe in:

"No problem. I'm going then. And you're right, I’d better get a taxi. Goodnight James"

"Goodnight Jezza. Please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry"

"Told you, no problem", Jeremy replied, already striding away from him and whatever he'd meant to him, his jaw so clenched it almost hurts to tell his address to the cabby later.


	2. Chapter 2

"Have you read the Mail today? It says May and his missus officially broke up"

"Really? Haven't heard anything from James lately..."

"Have you given him your new number after you've lost your mobile?"

"Obviously", Jeremy answered.


	3. Chapter 3

'We're sorry: the number you've entered is no longer in service'

"Oh, cock."


End file.
